Self-Sabotage

Why do i do this to myslef? I ask my self this and yet i kno the answer. Its simple. Its beacuse Ive never had anything good in my life that lasts very long. And when i do finally get somethnig good, i constantly have to pick at it and pick at it until i find something wrong with, just so in the end i can tell myslef "I told you so. I told you it wouldnt last long." Luckily, I havent found anything wrong with the relationship that Im in now. But Im afraid of the future. I rely so heavily on the relationships that I have that to the point that if it leaves, ill be crushed. Which is me working in reverse because it usually leaves becuase of my constant picking at it. Im such a dumbass. SHIT. shes gonna read this and think that Im crazy. We've been thru this before. Let it come as it comes. Yeah, yeah i kno. but wen i sleep at night, i think about the things that make me happy. Then i think about what would happen if it went inot the future. Then i think about what would happen if it goesn into the future, and then brakes. Its like my brain doesnt want me to be happy. Its killing me slowly. Thats why Im afraid of our relation ship. I think i might start to rely on it to much, and get used to it, and wen it brakes, its gonna hurt so much. So im so afraid. Thats why i constantly ask questions. To see if everythings ok bewteen us so i can be assured but at the same time, accidently picking at it. I have to stop hurting myslef. Itll prolly be better when i get back. When that happens, ill know we've been thru the hard stuff and basically face all the other stuff. God i pray for that day to come as soon as possible...