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First , let me apologise to Fujiko. Im so sorry for making you stay in this position for as long as you did. I hope that you can forgive me for that. Now you said that you dont want to date me until I come back. I hope that offer still stands when I get back...
ok so this is the "you can go to hell list." It consists of all the people who have fucked up my life in the past year or so, and have changed me for the worst. So lets begin shall we?
- Mom - you sent me here to this...horrible god forsaken place. If it wasn't for you, i could be at home (or preferably at Allison's house) havin a good time, in the school that i want to go to, with the girl of my dreams. but since you had to be a coward and get rid of me because you didnt know how to deal with me, she doesnt even want to talk to me, im in a horrible school that i prolly wont be able to graduate from, with a horrible father that thinks about himself more than he does his kids, in a horrible city thats worse than the one i left. And when there is a problem, you pass it on to the next person, without dealing with it, or even giving a slight solution to the problem. I mean, you wont even tell me what you want from me bring here, because the problem is, you dont even know yourself. Congradu-fucking-lations, you've won the mom of the year award.
- Dad - Ive hated you since birth. Ive never been there and now you want to be super dad. Problem is, you suck at that too. go jump off of a building
- Mom Mom - You followed behind my father and told my mom to send me here, against my better judgement. And when things went wrong you either A) Told my father B)Told my mother who told my father or C) Prayed about it and THEN told my father. Wow, way to avoid the problem at hand...
- Clayton County - You are the WORST PLACE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! I hope Barrack Obama nukes your sorry ass...
And we cant forget the ringleader of this heartbreak circus...
- Tori "New New" Freeman - you are the foulest form of a human being, which is a user. you use those around you and twist their emotions until your satisfied, then toss them to the side when your finished. you make your self out to be the victim when realy, your the oppressor. All the bad stuff that happens to you is either A) bullshit that you made up to make ppl feel sorry for you or B) shit thats realy your fault. And you deserve worse if its B. Unfortunately I fell for your games. And I suffered dearly. If it wasnt for you, I could have a healthy relationship, including confidence, the ability to make my spouse cheer up without having to physically be there, and not being paranoid that the other person doesnt love me anymore. Now I have to emotionally build from the ground up and then see if she even wants me back...
Well there you have it. The people who twisted me into the way I am today. I hate myself for even letting them do this to me. I can only hope that when I get back, she will still want me. If she doesnt, I dont know if i even would WANT to stay in PA anymore. It would be too painful. God I hope she reads this...
PS. Ill be in zombie mode. Ill be physically there, but emotionally/mentally ill be locked in a dark room. this is gonna suck big time...
Why the hell cant i seem to believe in myself?! Wait heres another question. Why do i always ask questions about myself that i already know the answer to? I know why i cant seem to believe in myself. Its actually a 2 part answer. The first reason is that people have always put me down. Even when I was little. They would always say stupid stuff. So that always knocked my confidence down. Then heres the worst and 2nd part. Whenever I tried to have high self esteem, people, mainly adults, would always say I shouldnt have confidence in the stuff that i thought i was good at. Like, i was good at writing. When my teacher asked me what I wanted to do when i grew up (this was like in 5th grade. before i found how great music was) I said i wanted to be a writer because I was good at it. My teacher looked at me and said "dont think to highly of yourself. Your writing is sub-par...at best." So i thought that I realy wasnt that good at anything and that Im not realy that good of a person in general. When my parents said I was, i would just think, "oh thats my mom. she has to say that stuff." When I got older i started hanging with people some of them came to me and said "wow your realy kool" or "your a realy nice person" but due to past experiences of people filling me with false confidence, i had a hard time believing them. Recently two people came to me and said that I need to have more confidence in myself (one of whom happens to be the girl that i love). They both explained why i need to have confidence and with this new information i think its time for a change. Its gonna be a long, hard process, but ill get there...P.S. G-Baby, I know exactly what your gonna say about the last sentence. keep your mind outta the gutter
Why do i do this to myslef? I ask my self this and yet i kno the answer. Its simple. Its beacuse Ive never had anything good in my life that lasts very long. And when i do finally get somethnig good, i constantly have to pick at it and pick at it until i find something wrong with, just so in the end i can tell myslef "I told you so. I told you it wouldnt last long." Luckily, I havent found anything wrong with the relationship that Im in now. But Im afraid of the future. I rely so heavily on the relationships that I have that to the point that if it leaves, ill be crushed. Which is me working in reverse because it usually leaves becuase of my constant picking at it. Im such a dumbass. SHIT. shes gonna read this and think that Im crazy. We've been thru this before. Let it come as it comes. Yeah, yeah i kno. but wen i sleep at night, i think about the things that make me happy. Then i think about what would happen if it went inot the future. Then i think about what would happen if it goesn into the future, and then brakes. Its like my brain doesnt want me to be happy. Its killing me slowly. Thats why Im afraid of our relation ship. I think i might start to rely on it to much, and get used to it, and wen it brakes, its gonna hurt so much. So im so afraid. Thats why i constantly ask questions. To see if everythings ok bewteen us so i can be assured but at the same time, accidently picking at it. I have to stop hurting myslef. Itll prolly be better when i get back. When that happens, ill know we've been thru the hard stuff and basically face all the other stuff. God i pray for that day to come as soon as possible...
